Looking to the future

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear.” Pat Riley

It has been a long time since the last entry. It has taken a while to emotionally move pass the failed adoption but I am ready to continue with our story now.

Recapping the day the adoption failed:

On a Thursday morning I received a called from the case manager, letting me know the adoption was terminated. The lawyer for the birth mother called the agency and terminated the adoption, due to conflicts with us. He stated he didn’t want to work with us anymore and would refund the money we paid. This was devastating! I never thought the loss of something we never had would hurt so much.

Very shortly after this, we then had a phone conference with the lawyer at our adoption agency.  It turns out that even though there was a signed contract by all parties, the lawyer in FL was legally able to terminate the adoption.  Within the next two hours I receive a call from the case manager, letting us know there was a new birth mother, who only wanted to see profiles of same sex couples and she is due with twins! This was unbelievable, it really felt like one door closed and another one opened.  Twins is actually what we wanted all along! This helped us to have a more positive attitude that everything would be okay, despite still being in pain over the loss of the little boy we thought we were going to have.  Another hour passed and we heard from the agency again, stating the FL lawyer called and the birth mother really wanted us as the adoptive parents.  We were then faced with the decision to move on or go back. This was not an easy decision. Our hearts were pulling us back to the baby but our heads were saying walk away. The amount of concerns about the situation in FL continued to grow.  After talking it over and getting advise from others, we decided to move on and hope for the twins.  This might have been the most emotionally difficult day we ever experienced as a couple.

We weren’t picked by the mom of the twins but a new possibility arose a few weeks later. This was another birth mother that only wanted same- sex couples.  That situation changed shortly after, due to the birth mother’s mother, not allowing her to get her grandchild to a gay couple.  So, it was back to waiting for another match.

At the very end of May another situation came about.  The agency called us and suggested we submit to a birth mother.  We did and were picked!  It was said the baby was going to be due in November.  Since we were seven month from the due date, we decided not to make the same mistake as the last time.  We wanted to keep this match quieter, not knowing if this situation would work out in the end or not.  We recently received medical paperwork which states the baby is actually due in January.  We are still waiting on the medical paperwork, which states the sex of the baby but the birth mother said it was going to be a girl!  We have been very guarded throughout this match, careful not to get too excited but as it gets closer and we find out the sex of the baby, the excitement is building more and more each day.

Heartache

Our adoption has failed.

Just Wait

I thought I would provide an update. We have been on a high since being matched. It is amazing to think you could be with us in 66 days! We can’t wait to hold you and have that moment in the hospital where your whole life will flash before our eyes. We will see you fixing cars with your dad and learning to cook a special dinner for your girlfriend or boyfriend :). Hearing you play the piano, seeing you all dressed up for your first school dance, seeing you go off to college… It puts a smile on my face to think about all the amazing memories that we as a family are going to create and the experiences that you are going to have.

While we have been counting down the days in anticipations for you, things have been very stressful. The lawyer that is working with your mom in Florida has not been easy to work with. He isn’t responding to any of our questions about you, your mother, her health, social or medical background… He sent his contract first and request his money before answering any of our questions.

I sent a Facebook message to the two private Facebook groups that we are connected to that have prospective adoptive parents. I inquired about the lawyer by name in FL and for the last 24 hours, I have been getting message after message saying that their experience with him was not a positive one. People have referred to him as a “baby farm” that he doesn’t care about the adoptive parents or the birth mothers. An individual stated that she felt he withheld information about mental health issues (bi-polar) of the birthmother. Another stated that her match had failed, that it was a long story but she believed he gave the baby to a foreign couple. Another woman talked about almost having to take him to court to get him to file the paperwork, which allowed the adoptive parents to leave the state with the baby and go back to their home state. Again and again we continue to get stories of problems individuals faced with this lawyer.

I should have done my research more. At the start of this process we were thinking more objectively, but as time went by and matches were not occurring, it was becoming more and more depressing. Once a match finally happened, we just wanted it to work out so badly, that we were probably looking over things that we wouldn’t have at the start of this process. Thinking back, we feel that FL lawyer bullied us into giving him the initial money. For he told us that if we didn’t make a decision and send the money right away, he would find another adoptive couple for the baby. He threatened to take you away if he didn’t pay him. How is that ethical or legal? That should have been a clear sign to us that he was not a good person but we were blinded by the thought of having you.

After hearing from so many people, we went back to our agency and expressed our great anger and frustration with this whole situation. We want our lawyer to talk to him and get the information that we need. We are at the point where we will tell him we will not wire anymore money until our questions are answered. We are just hoping this can work out. In the end, we are not sure how this will all turn out. Until you are born and with us, we will be holding our breath for the next 2 months. There have been many people that have talked about having failed matches with him.

This came today from a friend at work. The timing is great. Made me smile and tear up all at the same time. If this adoption doesn’t work out and we lose you, I will, we will be devastated!

“Just wait”

Just wait until your preschool son sees you in the hallway at pick up time and covertly grins and waves to you. (It’s the best flirting in the world.)

Just wait until you watch your kindergartener jump off the bus after that first day, triumphant and tired, melting into your arms.

Just wait until your son is up to bat, and strikes out, holding it together despite disappointment. And just wait until the crack of the bat meeting the ball surprises him and he races to first base…safe.

Just wait until your daughter stands up for a classmate who is struggling, and her peers, humbled, apologize.

Just wait until your child, painfully tethered to tubes and machines in the hospital, whispers, “I just want my mommy.” (And you are suddenly aware that your presence is more powerful than any prescription.)

Just wait until your son gets his very first summer job and he is, unmistakably, walking taller and more confidently as a result.

Just wait until your child’s quick sense of humor makes you double over with laughter.

Just wait until you hear your son invite a friend to church.

Just wait until your daughter receives her first college acceptance and you find yourself overcome with tears…not because she’s leaving, but because she’s ready.
– Unknown

Here comes our rainbow!

My friend Kate wrote this Katy Perry song lyric in a card and it is perfect for right now.

“If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow. Maybe the reason why all the doors were closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.”

WE FOUND YOU!!!

We found you! After all this time, your birth mother and dads have found each other. Your birth mother’s name is Julie. She is 26 and lives on Ocala, Florida. You have three other siblings. One lives with Julie and the other two were adopted. We are going to try to make a connection with the families of the two siblings that have been adopted. It could be nice to have a relationship with those two families. We don’t have any information on your birth father. Your birthday might be 6/21/13. We can’t believe that we have found you! This is amazing! You are not even born yet and your dad and I already have so much love for you! Your dad continues to say to me over and over, “We are going to have a babbby!” Part of it is a reference to a Seinfeld episode. This was a 90’s tv show that your dad is obsessed about and quotes all the time. I am sure you will be exposed to it at some point. 🙂

Things have been a bit of a whirlwind since Kayla called to tell us about you. There was much to figure out to make sure we could make this happen. Over two days, there were continual emails, phone calls and text message between us and Kayla, and Kayla and the lawyer in Florida. There isn’t an agency in Florida that Julie is working with, there is just the lawyer. After two days of thinking that things are getting all worked out, Kayla called and told us that another woman in Reading, PA was also interested in your dad and I. After all this time, after being turned down again and again, there are two woman that are interested in us. We listened to her situation but knew that you were to be part of our family.

There is currently a ton of paperwork that needs to be completed and we have started wiring money down to Florida for the lawyer and Julie. A positive of Julie being in Florida is that she will only have 48 hours after your birth to change her mind. A woman in PA would have 30 days after birth to change her mind and take the child back. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with the anxiety of knowing for the first 30 days you could be taken back at any point. I am glad it will just be 48 hours.

We are planning on driving to Florida on the 18th or 19th. Hopefully you come on time! 🙂

We are still working on narrowing down your name but we think we have figured it out. 🙂

We have been over whelmed by the out pour of love and support from friends and family. Even people who I have not seen since high school and middle school have sent private messages of Facebook (a social media site, that probably by the time you are reading this will have been replaced by a new social media fad) wishing us luck and showing support. We would never have been able to have you on our own. Without the support of our family and friends we would never have been able to come a family of three. The amazing generosity of these people has been never-ending. We have been asked over and over, where we are registering. We can not imagine asking anyone for anything else. We have talked about a shower and registration over again and again with friends. Everyone continues to tell us that people will want to do something for you and even if we don’t register they will still get you something. So, we have decided that we will register and if people ask we will tell them about the registry but we don’t want anyone to feel they need to get a gift. Your dad and I have also slowing been buying things for the last year, that we and you will need and have a lot already. Diapers will always be needed. Another option if people wanted to do something for you, is buying a US savings bond that we will put away for your college. Or another option could be, that if people wanted they could make a donation to HelpUsAdopt.org. This is the non-profit that gave us a grant and are helping other gay and lesbian couples adopt. There are not many charities or agencies that are helping same-sex couples with financial assistance, so making a donation in your name to help another family expand, would be a special gift too.

Even though we have listed some options here, we want to make it clear that we don’t need anything else from anyone. So much has been given already, which we are extremely grateful for. We feel the love from our friends and family!

“Gotta keep your head up”

From the Facebook adoption group that we joined, I found a posting from a women in FL who helps expecting mothers find homes for their children.  She had two women that  were expecting. We asked Kayla (case manager) to contact her find out about the situations. We then submitted our profile to them both. Turns out they were both open to same sex couples but only as a last resort. Even though these situations didn’t workout, the woman in FL called our case manager and let her know about another situation. A baby boy due June 21st. So, we submitted again and are now waiting to hear what happens. We “gotta to keep our head up.” We know you are on your way to us!

The expecting mother in Philly is still looking over profiles. Kayla believes she should hear tomorrow from her about who she is picking.

Fingers crossed!

“Only rainbows after rain The sun will always come again.  And its a circle, circling, Around again, it comes around,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh, And you can let your hair down, eh. you gotta keep your head up, oh, And you can let your hair down, eh.”

ANDY GRAMMER – KEEP YOUR HEAD UP LYRICS

This is the best picture! We are so going to do this when you are older! I am not saying your dad is Superman, I am just saying no one has every seen both of us in the same room! 🙂

Disappointment and Hope

Received an email from our case manager letting us know that Rikki is not your mother. We were given the information today that she is looking for “traditional couples” and childless couples. It is very frustration that this simple piece of information was not obtained by the agency and provided in the expecting mother’s situation yesterday. It seems that the simple question of “Would you be open to same sex couples?” would be an easy answer to ascertain. That is the first thing your dad and I look for in the networking emails. If we see the line “open to all types of families” or if it is not mentioned, we are provided with a glimmer of hope that you might be on your way to us. When that seed of hope is planted, it grows on its own and each time a match is not made, the hope is pulled out by its roots, which is painful. The pain from the lack of this match could have been avoided with a simple question.

It is ironic, that as we found out today that we would not be taken into consideration for this baby due to not being a “traditional couple”, there is a battle on Capitol Hill for equality for same sex couples. This is a historic day, which has massive ramifications for our family.

The court could extend a constitutional right for gays and lesbians to wed in all 50 states. There were arguments made today to overturn California’s Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriage. California’s Supreme Court ruled marriage is a fundamental right that must be extended to same-sex couples. However, voters approved the proposal 52% to 48% in November 2008, six months after the court ruling.  CNN was reporting that post arguments today, it seemed the court was divided four by four, leaving Justice Anthony Kennedy as the swing vote.

The court will listen to arguments tomorrow challenging the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which like the California law, defines marriage as between a man and a woman. In 1996 President Clinton passed this law which prevents legally married same-sex couples from getting federal benefits and privileges, like tax breaks and survivor benefits, that are extended to opposite-sex couples. In total, there are 1138 rights, privileges and benefits that married couples are afforded that same sex couples are not.

Forty-one states now forbid same-sex marriage, although nine of them allow civil partnerships. Nine other states allow same-sex marriage, and about 120,000 same-sex couples have gotten married, according to estimates.

My favorite quote from the hearings today came from Justice Kennedy, stating that the arguments for Prop 8 didn’t take into account the estimated 40,000 children who have same sex parents. “The voices of these children are important, don’t you think?” stated Justice Kennedy. Another which is also from Justice Kennedy “Suppose a state said that, Because we think that the focus of marriage really should be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55. Would that be constitutional?”

I could go on and on about this but I will stop here. There is saying that when one door closes another opens, or maybe it is a window that opens… anyways, we received another networking email today about an expecting mother in Philly.  Denise is a 27 year old Caucasian woman due in July with a baby. At this point gender is unknown.  Denise currently lives in Philadelphia and plans to deliver at Temple University Hospital.  Denise is 5’6, with brown hair and hazel eyes.  Denise claims no drugs or alcohol during this pregnancy and does not smoke.  Denise has been to two doctors appointments and is scheduled to go back to the doctor on April 9th to schedule her ultrasound. Denise has had 4 prior children (all girls) and is currently pregnant with her 5th.  Denise and Shawn are open to all families and individuals.  The are looking for a semi-open adoption with meeting the adoptive parent(s) prior to labor and receiving pictures and letters after two times a year.

We will be submitting our profile book to Denise and Shawn to look over. We will see what happens. Another little seed was just planted. Hopefully, this time it grows.

Marriage Equality for All!

Possible baby due March 31!

Well, here we go again! Another submission to an expecting mother. Rikki is a 19 year old woman due with  due with a 3/4 Caucasian and 1/4 Native American child on March 31, 2013 in Wisconsin (city unknown). The gender of the child is unknown.  as Rikki has only attended one prenatal visit during her pregnancy. Rikki denies drug use during her pregnancy but does admit to consuming alcohol before she knew she was pregnant. The extent of her alcohol consumption is currently unknown. We also do now know if she smokes cigarettes. Rikki has a two year old child who is said to be in good health. Rikki and her child live with Rikki’s mother who is supportive of her adoption plan.

There are a lot of unanswered questions that we have about Rikki but we submitted and will see what happens.

8th Failed Match Attemp

It turns out that Lisa was not your mother. This expecting mother picked another couple. We continue to wait for you to find us. It is hard to just sit and wait, so your dad and I are trying other ways to find you. Attached is our profile book that the expecting mothers receive. It tells them all about us. Your grandmother has given the book to an OBGYN that she knows, for she has expecting mothers come to the office that state they are looking for an adoptive family. I handed the book out to a few other people too. Hopefully we find you soon!

If our friends and family know anyone that might help us find you, they can download the book here and give it out. 🙂

Brian and Steve’s Profile Book

Another Submission

We submitted again yesterday to the expecting mother, Lisa. Lisa is a 33 year old Caucasian female due on August 17th, 2013, with a bi-racial child, gender unknown, in Allentown, PA.  Lisa is 5’6″, blue/green eyes and curly Auburn hair.  Lisa has had one prior child who is currently 9 years old and resides with her father in Bethlehem, PA.  Lisa claims no drugs during her pregnancy.  Lisa claims she has been going to the doctor on a regular basis.  She will be going to an ultra sound at 20 weeks to find out the sex of the child.  Birthfather Greg is an African American man in his mid 40’s.  He has three grown children and believes he is not ready to parent again.

She will be looking over the profiles this weekend and we hope to hear by early next week. Maybe this will be  your mom!

March 18th is going to be our first interview with the women creating the documentary. This is a phone conversation and from there we will set up a time for them to come out to the house and meet us. Not sure what to expect with this for we haven’t been given much information.

Last note, I took your dad to his second Mommy Mart today. We met after work and hit up the Oaks Expo center. He seemed like he enjoyed shopping for you. He picked you out crib sheets, toys and seemed to look at every single Winnie the Pooh item in the whole place! It was fun watching him be excited to shop for you.